Today is a Gift
“Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift!”
“Thats why it’s called the Present”
Tracy Doe Heart
AngelicSanctuary.com
Bill Zeller
I am deeply sadden, touched and angered by the loss of Bill Zeller. It is my sincerest hope that his letter changes “Life” for the better.
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I’ll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it’s true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don’t want people to wonder why I did this. Since I’ve never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.
My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn’t use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it’s less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.
This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It’s the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it’s surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.
At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.
The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I’m trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can’t concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I’m exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.
Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I’m reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.
I’ve never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying “Hi” or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.
Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I’m responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.
Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven’t touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There’s no future here. The darkness will always be with me.
I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I’ll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I’m not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.
I didn’t realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn’t stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.
Relationships always started out fine and I’d be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it’d be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.
Relationships didn’t work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn’t help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn’t the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn’t feel “right”. The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn’t attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn’t the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I’m straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.
Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I’d ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren’t so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn’t matter because I couldn’t be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I’d feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn’t stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It’s likely that things wouldn’t have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn’t have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There’s no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.
So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn’t last because of the darkness and didn’t want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I’ve ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have. This wasn’t apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I’ll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She’s just one more person in a long list of people I’ve hurt.
I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I’ve had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I’ve hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.
I’ve spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.
I’ve told different people a lot of things, but I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don’t care about their word or what they’ve promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don’t blame anyone in particular, I guess it’s just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don’t care who knows.
I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don’t kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don’t know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I’m capable of.
So I’ve realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.
I’m just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there’s nothing I can do to escape it. I don’t know any other existence. I don’t know what life feels like where I’m apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn’t understand and can’t connect with.
I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.
There’s no point in identifying who molested me, so I’m just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.
You may wonder why I didn’t just talk to a professional about this. I’ve seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I’m positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn’t help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we’d hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it’s her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the “friends” who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I’d be forced to live in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they’re based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.
People say suicide is selfish. I think it’s selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won’t feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it’s also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.
Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I’m just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I’ve tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can’t fucking take it anymore.
I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I’d be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.
I’m prepared for death. I’m prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.
—-
I’d also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they’re dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.
If you’re unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.
They live in a black and white reality they’ve constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don’t understand that good and decent people exist all around us, “saved” or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.
A random example:
“I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist.” - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.
If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were “saved” at some point), that’s your choice, but it’s fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.
Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.
I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she’s Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it’s tiring.
Since being kicked out, I’ve interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what’s been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it’s not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.
I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn’t “saved”, since she believes I’m going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn’t deserve to live. All I know is that I can’t deal with this pain any longer and I’m am truly sorry I couldn’t wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I’ve wished that I’d be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.
—-
To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.
I’m sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can’t understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.
Bill Zeller
In the words of Dennis Miller “Keep your damn hands off our kids”
I will be re-reading Embraced By the Light by Betty J. Eadie
The deepest of love to you all.
Tracy Doe Heart
James Van Praagh
James Van Praagh needs no introduction by me. I am just fortunate enough to live in Phoenix, a place that seems like a portal for inspirational people. In November 2009, I attended a James Van Praagh’s workshop hosted by Celebrate Your Life. It was compelling to experience his gifts firsthand.
The large room was filled with workshop participants, but it was not long before spirit beings were appearing along side many of the participants. The atmosphere, an almost electrical connected air, a blissful peaceful feeling swept throughout the room. James shared with us some of his personal motivations and life experiences that have shaped his path.
James gentle humor during the workshop was so natural. Walking us through a methodology to enhance and embrace our intuitive medium skills. Assuring us of the everyday connection we have with our loved ones who have crossed over. The deeper understandings they have about life once unencumbered by limited belief systems. James encouraged us to continue our relationships to the loved ones we have lost, from this physical plane.
After, the workshop I had the wonderful opportunity to meet James, a truly genuine and delightful person. He embraced me like we were old friends, friends that have not seen each other in sometime. I will always remember his closing words in response to my question. “You are an Angel”
James & Tracy
Tracy Doe Heart
AngelicSanctuary.com
No matter where the problem is, how acute it may be, or how difficult the person may be, there is in the final analysis no one to change but yourself!
Joseph Murphy
Magic of Faith
Whenever I am facing a challenge, I have total choice about solving it or continuing to suffer the consequences. Infinite Intelligence already knows the perfect answers to all my life situations. I choose to stay present, pay attention and expect answers to present themselves. I choose to change any false ideas or false beliefs by being open to the Truth: Life supports me at all times, no matter what the circumstances may be. Infinite Spirit created me to successfully navigate and learn from all life experiences I may encounter. I know and radiate this Truth and choose to move forward on my spiritual journey. Thank you Infinite Spirit for your Strength, Light and Love that enables me to change myself and to effortlessly solve all current challenges present in my life right now!
Dreamwalker
The monthly Destiny Mapping group normally discusses, the course of ones life, creating your own destiny, and the way of the journey. At our last gathering, a simple question changed the focus for the entire evening. One of the participants asked “Are you a dreamwalker?” This article is a result of that evenings dialog; about what is dreamwalking.
Tibetans, Druids and Native American (First People) are cultures that nurture the skills of the dreamwalker. In more modern settings we might recognize dreamwalkers as psychic, channels and mediums. Silvia Brown, James Van Praagh and Edger Cayce are famous examples of this skill.
A dreamwalker can alter their state of consciousness in such a way that their energy body can experience realms beyond this physical reality. The veil of everyday linear time, the restrictions of distance and limits of the natural world are lifted. In these realms, communication and information exchanges can happen with guides, angels, animals and other beings. Dreamwalking can also aid in healing, creativity, thoughts, ideas, understanding, knowledge and awareness.
The experience resembles dreaming in a visual sense with a heightened awareness of your being, your connectedness and your knowing. At the same time, strangely separated from your judgments or notions. Image the difference between walking in the park and swimming in a large lake. Compare in your mind, walking to swimming. How is your awareness changed? How does your body feel? What are your limits? What are your freedoms?
Meditation, lucid dreaming, deep prayer, drumming, focused attention are avenues for intentionally preparation to entering, this shift in consciousness. Practiced Dreamwalkers just shift between realms without effort. People sometimes unexpectedly slip into this altered state, having inspired thought leading to great works of art, literature, music and many inventions. My favorite example of this is Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. She shares the story on her website, of the dream that inspired the Twilight saga.
Quiet your mind and let yourself drift into the dream-time. The realms are vast, a kind of library filled with an endless number of books. Free your energy body and become the dream.
Tracy Doe Heart
AngelicSanctuary.com
What a gift from the heavens
Living in the desert southwest can present some of the greatest and unexpected splendor. Sunday night 01/10/10 around 10 o’clock pm, I witnessed one of the largest meteors moving through the sky I had ever seen. It was truly spectacular. A greenish blue ball followed by a fiery red stream in its wake. It was moving at such an incredibly speed then it disappeared.
It always amazes me the unexpected timing, to be in the perfect place, at the perfect moment, all while driving in the dark. Often, I am asked to help people and animals along on their healing journey. This night led me to Cave Creek, Arizona shortly after dinner. This session was for a dear and trusted friend to me and the horse sanctuary. A good healing session that night, ending with hugs and plans for the coming week. I try not to worry but it is always hard when it is someone you love and care about deeply.
Driving can leave you too alone with your own thoughts! I like to sing along in the truck with the radio blaringly loud, to push my thoughts into the background. What a gift from the heavens to remind me, that the unexpected is part of the miracle of living.
Be well and live a miracle.
Tracy Doe Heart
AngelicSanctuary.com
Set your sights high, the higher the better.
Expect the most wonderful things to happen, not in the future but right now.
Realize that nothing is too good.
Allow absolutely nothing to hamper you or hold you up in any way.
Eileen Caddy
Footprints on the Path
My life is always experienced at the level of my current beliefs. Whatever I accept as being true becomes my reality. I choose to accept my abundant expression of good, harmonious peace and loving energy wherever I go. The Universe knows how to bring my unlimited good to me. I claim and accept with great gratitude my many blessings. Thank you Life for your unlimited Flow of the All Good.
WOW! The last few months have been a whirlwind of activity.
I have been busy, teaching mini workshops, speaking engagements, appointments sharing the messages of light and newly rescued horse’s have come to live at the sanctuary.
Many years ago I began studying Astrology in the late ‘80s, I was fascinated by the accuracy and insight that an astrological chart provided. However, my personal intuitive skills and spiritual guides had been such a safe and phenomenal source of guidance. I eventual put my astrology studies in the background.
Than one morning, my spiritual guides announced find an astrology class. Yes, in to middle of all the other activities filling my schedule, now I’m being directed to renew my astrology studies. It was a short time before I discover Dave Campbell, owner of The Astrology Store in Glendale Arizona. Dave is an author, medium, a great astrologer, and a caring soul. You know the saying, “When the student is ready to teacher appears”
So, for a Limited time only, I will be offering Guidance with Astrology. I am making myself available for a 30 min guidance session with a 30 min personal natal Astrology chart review. This is a wonderful way to have a balanced perspective into your life’s path, with insight from your spiritual guides. Upon completing my astrology certification with Dave, I will be participating in an internship program for professional astrologers.
Tracy Doe Heart
Blessings Light and Love
AngelicSanctuary.com
A spiritual mind treatment (affirmative prayer) is a statement upon which the Law of Mind acts. It embodies the concrete idea of our desires and is accompanied by an unqualified faith that the Law works for us as we work with It.
Ernest Holmes
Keys to Wisdom
I have unqualified faith that the Law of Mind works at all times. It works through me and for me as I express my heartfelt affirmations that embody my beliefs. I choose to allow Infinite Spirit to give Its joyous blessings to me. I am aware of Its Divine Presence throughout my daily activities and quiet moments everyday. I gratefully accept the abundant good that is always available to me. My cup runneth over with Light, Love, Wisdom, Joy, Faith, Courage, Abundance, Harmony and Truth. Thank you Infinite Spirit for your bountiful gifts.
Welcome to the Angelic Sanctuary
The Angelic Sanctuary has made its debut into the physical time and space. Over the last year my spiritual guides have made several nudges to open a Spiritual center. I have finally given into their constant request to make myself more available for spiritual and healing support to my surrounding community.
In a few weeks our introductory web site will be launched to the World Wide Web. The site will make it simpler to schedule private sessions and register for classes. The purpose is to improve the well-being and personal development for people on a spiritual path and who are expanding their consciousness,
In turn the Angelic Sanctuary will be equally supporting the AGCF horse sanctuary. When you make a donation to the Angelic Sanctuary for a gift, workshop or even a private session, the donation goes directly to the All Gods Creatures horse sanctuary. This creates a loving circle of compassion and caring for everyone involved.
Please join the Angelic Sanctuary members list for announcements, up-to-date events, spiritual inspiration and more…
Tracy Doe Heart
Blessings Light and Love
AngelicSanctuary.com